what if?

first of all, i must say that i am very, unbelievably, extremely sad about the madonna concert situation.... she is not coming to texas, damn her. and i've gotta add that i really enjoy the comments from all my friends who can AFFORD to buy plane tickets to fly to chicago... and tickets to see her LIVE in the windy city... (jk you guys i'm not mad... just soooo jealous). sad day for melanie.

second of all, the "second of all" is MUCH longer and deeper than the "first of all.

i think there is something about always wanting whatever it is that you don't have. i think that is part of being human. for some reason it seems like we are never satisfied. at the same time, i could totally tell people that i am satisfied with my life and not be lying. but deep inside of me there's like this little dark corner of all the things i had to give up when i got pregnant and started my family.... it's just one of those things that will stay hidden from the outside world i suppose. one of these days i would like to go on vacation by myself for a couple of days and see old friends and just let loose. life is so strange. i mean, my family is unbelievable. and even if i could change things, i wouldn't... i guess there will always just be that question in my brain... "what if...?"
i tell you what else i do not like. getting older. it is so strange to see all of the people my age graduating from college, getting married, having kids, moving away. even though i'm still so young i feel like so much of my life is behind me already. it makes me wonder what i'll feel like when i'm old.... like if i made it all count or if it just went by in a blur the way the past 22 years seem to have done. i remember being young and praying for the day when i would be old enough to drive, date, buy tobacco, buy alcohol... and once i turned 21 it's like "oh crap! there are no more birthdays to look forward to. only getting older."
sometimes i sit around and think about how bizarre life is. and ponder the question that no one will ever have an answer to.... why am i here? even if i think i know, or if i'm sure that i know- there's always that doubt in my brain. like- what would be happening right now if things were different? if i had stayed in school and stayed in dallas and if i were single and still partying? would i have gotten any good acting gigs? ...and no one will ever know...
but i AM happy. i love my husband and my son is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.... i wouldn't trade that for the world... but still, WHAT IF?
i feel like i just poured my heart out...